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|           ||First Performed January 16, 1992
Coolidge School Gymnasium
Announcer: Jeffrey Sotzen
Anchorman: Aaron Sotzen
Reporter: Jason Caminsky
Sam: Brian McFarlane
Sailor 1: Jason Jackson
Sailor 2: Eric Papineau
Admiral: Mitchell Stempien
Sound Effects: Vincent Rusnell, Joshua Lovelace
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this Pack Meeting for an important bulletin — please stand by....
(Sound effects — ticker tape)
We take you now to the Pack 870 anchor desk, and Anchorman Aaron Sotzen.
ANCHORMAN: Good evening. This is Aaron Sotzen. Thanks to a miracle of modern science that we won’t even try to explain, a door has opened in the Space-Time continuum. (Eerie music starts). Always eager to keep you up to date, Pack 870 has dispatched ace Time-roving Reporter Jason Caminsky to bring you the latest in the past. Are you there, Jason?
(Intermittent sound effects: gulls, waves, bells)
REPORTER: Hello, Aaron. I’m standing on the docks of Palos, Spain, in the Year 1492. Ready to depart with the tide, I can see three ships in the harbor — which unnamed sources have confirmed to be the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. And I’m hoping to get a chance to speak to the great Columbus himself.
(Three men walk across scene, one dressed in a funny hat, two with mops, going toward the exit)
Mr. Columbus, Sir?
(Man with funny hat steps toward Reporter; other two men engage in conversation as they work)
SAM: Si — I am Columbus.
REPORTER: Mr. Columbus — Jason Caminsky, Pack 870 Action News.
SAM: (Suspiciously) Do I know you?
REPORTER: I can’t tell you what a great honor it is to meet you, Sir. Can you tell our viewers how it feels to be waiting for the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria to depart? Waiting to sail off into the unknown — to the very edge of the known world, facing dangers no one else has ever faced?
(Two men with mops start mopping, being to listen intently)
I’ll bet you’re more that a little impatient.
SAM: “Impatient” is hardly the word, Jason. “Good riddance” is more like it.
REPORTER: I’m afraid I don’t understand, Admiral.
SAM: “Admiral?” Oh — you must have me confused with that no-account brother of mine. The name is Sam — Sam Columbus, used Gondola salesman. “We may creak, but we never leak.” Glad to meet you. (Shakes hands with Reporter).
REPORTER: You’re not Christopher Columbus?
SAM: (Laughs, then shakes his head knowingly). And just how much money does “Stinky” owe you? You didn’t invest in this screwball “sail to the Indies” cruise idea of his, did you? If you did, you may as well kiss your pesetas goodbye. I’m just glad I got to the docks in time to see him off.
REPORTER: (Toward the audience). Want to wish him well on his voyage, do you?
SAM: Are you kidding? I want to make sure he actually sets sail this time. The family’s been waiting for this day for a long time, Jason. Too long, if you ask me.
REPORTER: I’m afraid you’ve lost me — Sam, is it?
(Two men with mops start to engage in animated conversation, pointing toward Sam and the Outline of Ship)
SAM: That’s right, Jason. We’re sick of the whole thing.
REPORTER: Sick with worry, eh?
SAM: Heck no! We’re sick and tired of being the laughing stock of all Italy.
REPORTER: Laughing stock...???
SAM: Ever since he talked the Duke of Venice into backing that screwball pizzeria idea of his — we haven’t gotten a moment’s peace.
REPORTER: (Puzzled) Pizzeria — ???
SAM: “St. Dominic’s Pizza delivers.” Sank twenty of my best used gondolas before he finally gave it up. (Pause). And he still never delivered a pizza in less than three days.
(Two men with mops start, then try to sneak offstage, pursued by Man with Admiral’s Hat waving a map)
ADMIRAL: Come back here, you cowards!!!
SAM: Well, it looks like somebody else just figured out what this trip is really about.
REPORTER: But, you must realize how dangerous a voyage it is.
SAM: That’s why I’m here in the first place, Jason — to make sure he doesn’t back out again. Of course, I feel sorry for the poor fools he’s gotten to serve as his crew. But you know, Jason — in five hundred years, what the heck difference will it make?
REPORTER: Well, I certainly can’t argue with that. Thank you, Mr. Columbus. And back to you, Aaron Sotzen.
ANCHORMAN: And thank you, Jason. This has been a special report from Pack 870 Action News. We now return you to our regularly scheduled Pack Meeting.
– End –
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Website ©2007 by Jeffrey Caminsky
Excepts ©2007 by Jeffrey Caminsky